Love; loss

 I could tell my mind was leading me down to a dark spot and I wanted to stay there.

It was a dark esccense. It was familiar and it wanted me to stay. I was trying to escape but I kept being pulled in. I was comfortable. It wasn't enjoyable. It was torture at best. But I was taking in every lie that it could feed me.

I was desperate to believe. I was enthralled. I was a deadbeat. I was craving death. I was willing to to know what it felt like to be dead. I was willing to go through with it. I was willing to throw my whole life away and everything I had worked for. I was willing to leave my husband and children. 

I was willing to DIE... my thoughts has consumed me over the death of my two unborn children. Who were gone too soon. Never to hold them in my arms. Never to see them grow up and love them when they are infants. Never to see their first steps or their first laugh. Never to watch them pursue their dreams and live up to their potential. 

Never to see them with their first love. No. Nothing. All of it taken away from me all too soon. I am just washed up and dried out. I am the writer of my own soap opera. I am the drought. 

I don't heal with this. Idk if I ever will. I live with the pain and I continue to mourn my babies. I live day in and day out with it. I disintegrate slowly. I live without but I love forever. 

Restless

I could feel my mind screaming at me. The blood rushing through my head. I wasn't gonna win tonight or ever. I began sinking into my inner shell, my eyes tearing. My mind innevitly not there. I began throwing objects in sight, hearing as they crashed through the wall. My mouth opened to yell, and swear, while sweat dripped down my back.
I could taste my mouth getting dry, my voice strained and weak. My subconscious losing my vivid picture. Black and white turning to blurry images. My fear rising in flames, my body shaking. It felt as if I was falling off a cliff.

The Long Haul

Withering on life's end

the long and withering drought

the road is so long

and the haul is heavy

my legs are aching

and I want to give up

The journey is long

and I am breaking

I know now I cant turn back

but I want to

just let me go back

let me live again

let me breathe

I don't want to hide

in the darkness anymore

but its all I see

the broken eyes

the hurting soul

I cry out

but you cant be heard

silence is seen

and loneliness abides

one screams in outrage

to break the other

to dismantle

the other

is simply losing their mind

and is not brought back

they have seen the worst

and they feel it too

its buried inside them

it wants to come out

they want to break free

they want love

they want freedom

they want joy

they want someone to care

find me in a cave

bring me out

set me free

 



iN CONSISTANT

Im a person who doesn't like a lot of change unless its a good change. But recently or since last year Ive seen myself going through change, change religiously, change in mood, change in what I think, what I believe. I used to have some hope in my life and I don't see any no more. I'd rather sleep the rest of my life living in these random dreams I get that make no sense at all. Its nice there, theres no pain, no job, no here, no there. There is just dreams. The poem I had written yesterday describes what I think now, and describes petty much how I am inside. And I myself cant stand myself. Its a fucking raging war people. And we can all say that we don't love ourselves, unless you have LEARNED to love yourself fully. But enough about my rambling, here is another poem


A sad tale
It's hard to tell
the numbers high
the wanting low
too fat, too ugly
so sad ; depressed
low self esteem
No one to scream
no search to find
a lost for words
and for mind
Wounded and sore
the bruises show
black and blue
Mark the day of doom
shriveled in
How could it be?
How could one be so sad?
Its been hurt
Its been stumbled
Its been numb
And then "it" disappeared
It lost it self
no longer did it see
no longer was it living
no longer was moving
no longer was it breathing
It was finally demolished
by the destructive thoughts
That had pondered the mind
For so long
It no longer walked the earth
Or told its tales
It was now out of sight
Whisped away by the dark
Longingly flighted
By the outward voices

New Poem

Sorry I haven't posted on here in a long time, Life gets crazy, Things happen and you begin to discontinue doing things or just putting them off for awhile, while you try to figure shit out. Im going to start posting more of my poems I have written on here. I have quite a few poems I have written but have never posted them on here yet till now. The problem is I had written these poems all on my phone, so It might take awhile to get them on here. But here is my most recent one I wrote. I think I should really get into poetry contests and such.  


Alone I am
Hiding in the bottom
Controlled by the voices
don't know where to go
Or what to do
I sit away from everyone
Curled up
And drowning
my thoughts kill
I can not take it
I feel like I'm drowning
How can this be?
Its so heavy
I give out
I'm not sure I can see
For my mind is blurred
And my heart is lost
Drunk in the thought
Of drugs and alcohol
Sex, take it all In
Saying this will help
This will get me through
I turn to
Music with vile words
Not giving a shit
Not living inside
This is my high
This is my kingdom come
This is now my life
My heart is cold
My mouth screams
The darkness abides
And the fire
Burns inside
Raging for violence
and shrieks so loud
This is the change you see
This is me now
That other girl
That you used to see
She doesn't exist
Anymore..
She's gone... forever...

Happiness matters. You matter to me

I think you deserve someone better than me to love you. Its so hard for me to say that. I have imagined my life with you and i think i would be really happy with you. I can see us having good times together, enjoying one another. Smiles on our faces. But then i think maybe someone out there is better than me for you. I dont like the thought of it, but its occurred to me. Im not good enough, maybe. You mean a lot to me as a best friend and i want you to be happy. As i said the first sentence above the other night, i cried. I know we dont know our futures, but what i do know is that i truly love you. If even you do annoy me sometimes, or make a mistake and i get mad, that will not stop
Me from loving you. You are an amazing person! You are smart, creative, lovable, funny, silly, random, and you have a good heart and fun personality. And i just love your smile. (: i want you to be happy. I dont like to see you sad, or upset, or mad. Seeing you happy is what i want to see on you everyday. I want you to be with someone who makes you happy. Do i make you happy? I hope i do. But if not then someone out there will do a better job than i ever could... One things for sure is you make me happy (: . And my heart belongs to you, no other man. So just know that. I think about you everyday and long to be with you. Cause the truth will always be that I LOVE YOU <3

You

As i lay here imagining with this person in my mind, it feels nice, but when i wake up im alone. And your not here, your in my mind. Sometimes i wonder if i should put away everything. The cards, the gifts, and hide them away. The cardss always sit on my night stand. The necklace on my dresser, the ring on my finger. The memories in my mind. The face in my eyes. The love in my heart. The picture on my book shelf. Everything staring at me, flooding my mind. Wishing, hoping, that was now. Even now i think of is together, raising kids, having a family. I want that, with you only. I would love to see what our kids would look like. I would love to be with you for the rest of my life. To marry you, to be with you. You to hold me in your arms, to kiss me, to love me. To be wanted. No matter what, i cant seem to let you go. Your too dear to me. Because i know in my heart, i love you. And i want it all back.

Locked in Dreamworld

What if your life could start over the day you the met that person? What if you could change things? What if you could rearrange the story? What if you could do stuff differently then you had done? Would it make you happier? I was thinking about what if you could go back, making things happen. Ever thought about it? I will tell you a story.

One day there was a girl who lived in Montana and a boy who lived there too. Both were college students who attended mount College, both taking different courses. Now they didn't notice each other until that one day when they met in the hall way. Katniss was rushing in the halls going to her class when she bumped in to this man by accident. Leaving all her books to fall to the ground. Right away she starts to pick up her stuff when the man leans down to help her. Katniss says "no you don't have to do that, its my fault i i wasn't watching where i was going." The man goes " no its fine, I'm Gale by the way. Katniss replies " hi, I'm Katniss, nice to meet you Gale." He smiles, "Well i better go, but how about lunch, after class?" She says "oh sure why not!!" He says "say about 2?" She smiles, "yes 2 sounds good, see you then." Gale starts walking away, as Katniss stares at him from a distance. She had seen him before but was to shy to say hello. He was the most handsome man you could have seen, his hair was kept perfect, and his arms strong, he liked tattoos and had a few. She had always admired his smile and his hands, and all she ever wanted to to do was kiss those lips, and hold his hand. See that smile. Could this be fate? Accidentally running into him. There was no doubt she didn't believe it. Then she got up and headed to class, thinking about Gale, and lunch at 2. Then came going to his dorm, he had decided to make lunch for her, himself. It was simple but good. Laid on her plate was a grilled cheese sandwich with a tomato soup. Both sat down on his bed, and ate and talked about random things, future, and lots more. After that they started to meet everyday, always his dorm. Katniss was beginning to like him, and seeing him everyday made her happy. he always seemed to know what to say, and made her laugh. Until one day, when she didnt expect it, it happened. They were both sitting down, when he leaned his head in and placed his lips on hers, and started kissing her. A rush runs through her body, and she endures it. Feeling him against her, his hands on hers. Everything in motion. Everything just perfect. For a moment everything in front of her becomes a blur. Freezing her in that moment.

Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day! Spent the rest of the day with my best friend Gracie. Ended up at the Dollar Tree first, got my mom a Valentine present, then went to get a bubble tea, at Kim Auhn, then went to caribou coffee so Gracie could get her famous Vanilla cooler. Ended up being a great night, even tho i wish i could have seen a special someone today. I would have given him a Valentines card, and seen that cute face i always love to see. But i hope i can see him soon, real soon. Hehe. It would be so wonderful!! But anyways happy Valentines to you all. I hope your heart was filled with lots of love today.

Myself

I guess you could say im more of an introverted person. How i seem to keep to myself, and stuff feelings at times. My Grandma says im more like her. She says i used to be more outgoing when i was younger, and my dad says i used to be the spunkiest kid of my sisters. He says that he ruined me. But i really cant say. I know i avoid conflict in my family, because truth is theres too much of that in my household. Theres my sisters fighting and then my parents arguing and then theres me who avoids it. My mom says i should be the peacekeeper for my sisters but i cant stop them. They just keep fighting. But its true, i do love to be alone in my room, just thinking to myself, reading and writing. Im not one to talk to my sisters much about how i feel, i dont know, i just dont do that. And then i know im being eaten alive by keeping my feelings inside, I've gotta learn mot to do that. Because its just bad. It gets to you and you feel like your going to explode. Physically and emotionally. Im an emotional person. I have break downs, some days are better than others. And i think too much. But i guess that sums that up.

Kindled

Night falls and i begin to get tired. As i sit here next to the fire thinking of you. Feeling half alive and half dead. Going over in my head what i had said to you last night. My words not at their best and my hope drying thin. Thinking it would be better that way, for me. But maybe my mind is just crazy, and out of it as i start thinking cruel and violent thoughts. Wishing i really was dead is probably not the best to think. But its what had occurred to me yesterday. What i had told you. What maybe you couldn't believe? Crazy? Yes just maybe. But doesn't that occur for everyone at one point? Am i dead inside my mind to think like that? Keeping thoughts, pain, and hurt inside as i watch it tear me apart, piece by piece falling to the ground, leaving it to be left. Part of me gone? Part of me sick and ill?
Part of me wasted? Crap hits the fan as it flies at me. Taking it all in, believing the lies of being nothing, alone, betrayed, not of value. Trying to love myself but in the end disliking myself instead. Not able to convince myself, i just end up loosing it all in my head. My mind goes a blur, trying to bury my emotions inside. Knowing i need to talk to someone. Ugh.... Knowing I'm broken inside. I can feel it. Pricking at me. And the thoughts drive me to the ground. Pushing at me. Pushing and pushing. Needing myself to force myself back up. Needing someones help, comfort. Talking to me saying you can do this, its going to be alright. But not seeing the picture.this being two weeks and it keeps dragging me on. And I'm getting weaker and weaker in the process, seeing myself fade away and wishing for pain. Searing pain! Wanting pain probably being not the best. Being a total mess. I need to look beyond this. But i keep looking behind, and its killing me!!!!

Unfound

You once made me happy
Now you've destroyed me
Are you happy?
All i feel is hurt
And you could care less
I dont want to live
Depression takes me over
Hate is in my mind
Love hurts
You the one who kissed me
Who said i love you
The one who touched me
Will i ever get that again?
How do you think that makes feel?
I wanted more of that
And now you let me down
Sure you say you want to work on being friends
Right now, I'm torn apart
Right now, I'm mad at you
Right now, I'm hurt
Right now, i need comfort
You used to be the person i could talk to
Now i have no body
Thanks a lot for breaking my heart
You sure know how to do that
But i still want to be with you
And i will win you back
Just you watch me
And keep that promise
Cause you aint getting your precious ring back

Crazy thing called love

As i wait
I cannot break
Years go by
Time flys
Days pass
Thoughts fade
Love lasts
It burns in you
Hearing their lovely voice
Seeing their wonderful smile
Hearing the beat of their heart against yours
Kissing in the rain
Laughing together at nothing
Silence being favored
Just being with them, wonderful
Looking into each others eyes in the moonlight
Running your hands over them
Holding your hand in his
Standing together forever
Whispering i love you in each ones ear
Remembering each and every savored moment together
Slow kissing savoring each ones lips on each others
Feeling in awe of the moment of being with them
Saying i do
Living till death together
In each others arms
Looking at the sunset together
Saying ill always love you
Caring for each other with arms wide open
Trusting each other through it all
Living at life's peak
Saying ill always be there for you, no matter what
Loving each other forever
Leaning on each other
Having fun and enjoying each and every moment
Being thankful for that very special person that brought so much joy
Thinking that they are so amazing
And in the end bringing memories to your mind of happiness, love, kindness, trust, romance, and that person who you shared your life with
Never forgetting how much they meant to you
And never forgetting saying
I LOVE YOU
BECAUSE EVERY WORD YOU SAID, YOU MEANT WITH ALL YOUR HEART. NEVER REGRETTING MEETING THEM OR WHAT YOU SAID. BECAUSE TO YOU THEY WERE THE WORLD, AND THEY WERE YOURS. AND YOUR LOVE FOR THEM WAS SO UNEXPLAINABLE, THAT IT STAYED WITH YOU FOREVER.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!

Confessions?

1. Im in love (;
2. I get easily depressed
3. Im very sensitive
4. Emotional? Yes
5. I love sleep
6. I am very lazy
7. I love the country side
8. Im sick of living with my family
9. I love my rabbit Oreo
10. I can easily get distracted
11. Writing is my passion
12. I love purple -everything!
13. I dye my hair red
14. I don't care what people think of me
15. Im closer to my Grandma Olson then my Grandparents on my moms side
16. I love when it rains!
17. I love music(Christian, secular, country, metal, korean)
18. I've never been kissed
19. I don't have my permit yet
20. Im crazzzzyyy!
21. I love bread(even tho it has carbs)
22. Favorite candy- milky ways
23. I swear sometimes(mostly when im mad)
24. Favorite shows: spongebob
Squarepants, the neighbors, bones, last man standing, Malibu country, wizards of Waverley place, good luck charlie.
25. Favorite movie: Inception
26. Fav fast place- McDonalds
27. I get lost inside my mind
28. Fav Actors: Zac Efron, Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Reese Witherspoon, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Lopez
29. Addictions: texting, fb, internet, chocolate?
30. Person i miss A Lot -William Justison
31. Fav pop: mountain dew
32. Im obsessed with rings
33. Ate a whole box of cosmic brownies and got sick
34. Loves to laugh with my sisters
35. Often feels lonely
36. Future plans so far? Get married, have kids
37. School-homeschooled
38. Loves to read romantic books, thrillers
39. Loves photography
40. Loves to swing on the swings
41. Thought when i was younger that me and Kayla were going to own a pancake restaurant in Hawaii
42. Fav food: pancakes
43. Name id like to name one of my kids - Electra
44. Likes to be alone, all by myself in my room at times
45. Has been hurt many times
46. Fear of ending up alone, single
47. Has cried too much to know
48. Hehe. I love you
49. I have a sexy mind (;
50. Can give great messages

Extent

Your number stares at me
Blank in the face
Deciding whether or not to call
And wondering what your doing
I freeze in dismay
Thinking you would have called me today
Just maybe you would have gone crazy and had to call
Why do i always have to be the one to do it?
Am i alone in this?
I can only cry inside myself
Did i do something?
I stare at the phone
And look around
Where are you hunny?
Thoughts flood my mind
This is soo hard!!!
Missing you a lot
And you always on my mind
Going days without you is terrible
Staring at the pictures of you i miss you more
Reading text messages and thinking of you
When the other day ago, i really wanted those pics you were sending, only to get upset when they took too long, and i didn't get them in time.
Very maddening.
Finding myself very lonely, i cry
I cant help it
I need you
I need your soothing voice
Your touching words
Just needing your sweet self
Tell me ill be ok
Tell me you love me
Tell me you'll always be there, even when your not
I miss you and im half dead
I love you, and i always will
I'll stay with you forever my love
Times like these are hard, and im feeling depressed.
I need comfort
Hold me baby
I need love
Love me so
I......just.......need.....YOU!

Tied down

Ugh.. Feeling depressed. Not much i can do about it. Life goes on unfortunately. It just seems to be that way. Oh how much i just want to cry, as things race through my mind. Going past me, feeling blind. Thoughts come up, what ifs. The only thing i do know is that i love you. And keep you close in my heart, nothing will change that. But this feeling that i feel is a let down for me. And i know that it tears me apart. Bit by bit. Ugh.... Is all i manage to say. As my heart breaks. And i can feel myself fall. No no no! I say, but I'm too drawn down. My mind is too hooked on the low down ground. And all i see is white. As i find myself alone. Displeasing myself in pain. Hold on i say, but what am i kidding myself. The look of my fate is finally in its place. Staring at me wide eye in the face. Haha i got you now it says!!

I wrote this when i was depressed, as you can see. But decided to post it anyways.

Thoughts/feelings

Sometimes i feel like i could look into your eyes and see Mary. Sometimes i think you think about her a lot at times.
These thoughts wonder through my mind. Or you could into mine and think Mary, or you wish i was Mary. But im not. In my mind i know you still love her. And tho it bothers me, theres nothing i can do about that. I know that a piece of your heart still belongs to her. The time i told you that she was engaged you said you were sad about it. I felt broken. I didn't know what to say to you but oh. And i know that i don't know how that feels so its like i don't have any right to say. But it doesn't mean that i don't think about it at times. I know you love me, i definitely know. But i also i know you love both of us. And its the only thing that bothers me. And maybe i should have told you how i felt when you had said that to me. And maybe you didn't mean it like that but thats how your words were coming out. And in my heart i love you oh sooo much! You have no idea, how i have so much feelings for you! I know you told me you will get over her someday, so I'm trusting you that, it will happen. And i know I'm not like Mary, i will never be. I am only who i am. And just maybe that haunts me, as sometimes it is carried on my mind. But i will trust you because i love you, and you are my best friend and more! And i am so blessed to have met you. To have gotten to know you, and to have you in my life! If you are reading this just know that i do think about this sometimes, and wonder about it. I still feel like you are somewhat still attached to her. Because when you do talk about her, i can tell by your feelings you have. Just thought id say this out there. But don't get worried. I just thought you should know.

Twine

Drops of rain
Fall on me
Clouds of gray
Fill the sky
Black covers the ground
Tears fall from my face
Is as if Im falling in
Not able to focus
My mind begins talking crazy
Things start falling out of my hands
I stand out and reach for the door
But realize theres no knob

Found stuck in my own mind
I turn to face the door
Standing alone
I start to tremble
No escape and not able to see past my conscious
I turn back
To the wilderness that is seen in front of me
Nothing but wind and the ground i see
I run to a hidden cave where dark seems to creep
But find shelter
I find myself talking to myself to keep time

Even tho inside i am dying
I run out
Finding myself on the ground
Lying there unmovable
Shaken
But still alive
I reach my hand out
To touch something that isn't there
My hand falls, and i know Im lost
I breathe, but am dry
Then i see the door is no longer there
And i fall back into a dream state

You Are More (:

It made me sad that you worry about that. It brought tears to my eyes. When I know for a fact that you are so much better than that. The past does not make you who you are today. Whatever is in the past is left behind, there is no turning back. You are a amazing person with a sweet and caring heart. A strong faith in God, and a person who is headstrong,funny, silly, creative, there for you, warm hearted, loved by many, sweet, loving , adventureress and so much more!
And loved by me! Your no nobody .
You are a very special person.

You bright up my days with your amazing smile! And your kind hearted words (:
I can tell you anything and everything.
You encourage me, and are always there to listen to what I have to say.
You are so awesome!

So, Remember, who you are today, and don't worry about your past coming back.

P.S. I love you!

Sunken in depth

Lurking in the shadows
I crawl from out under
Rimming the edge I slowly walk
The night is long
And I see nothing
Fog beyond the brim seeps
Like a mist in thin air
From far away but so near
I feel as if my heart is breaking
Or as if I am vain

Hiding from between in and out
Scars are seen on my body
Big open cuts bleed out my inners
Leaving a trail to lurk
My bare feet touching the cold black pavement
Broken glass scattered
My bleeding feet as they touch the glass
Sharp pain surging
Tears rolling down my face

Lips trembling
Body aching
Cold wind blowing
I stand on top of the bridge
Looking down
I hold onto the bar
The waters as cold as ice
Staring at me from below
Taking my hand away from the bar
I balance on the rim of the bridge

Sticking my right leg out
I fall into the water
The cold water grabs me
And I can feel it getting to my flesh
I wrap my hands around my body
Biting down on my lip
I cringe
I start to lose breath as the water
Drags me in
Pulling me down the stream
In my mind I say my last goodbye

This is the end....