Myself

I guess you could say im more of an introverted person. How i seem to keep to myself, and stuff feelings at times. My Grandma says im more like her. She says i used to be more outgoing when i was younger, and my dad says i used to be the spunkiest kid of my sisters. He says that he ruined me. But i really cant say. I know i avoid conflict in my family, because truth is theres too much of that in my household. Theres my sisters fighting and then my parents arguing and then theres me who avoids it. My mom says i should be the peacekeeper for my sisters but i cant stop them. They just keep fighting. But its true, i do love to be alone in my room, just thinking to myself, reading and writing. Im not one to talk to my sisters much about how i feel, i dont know, i just dont do that. And then i know im being eaten alive by keeping my feelings inside, I've gotta learn mot to do that. Because its just bad. It gets to you and you feel like your going to explode. Physically and emotionally. Im an emotional person. I have break downs, some days are better than others. And i think too much. But i guess that sums that up.

Kindled

Night falls and i begin to get tired. As i sit here next to the fire thinking of you. Feeling half alive and half dead. Going over in my head what i had said to you last night. My words not at their best and my hope drying thin. Thinking it would be better that way, for me. But maybe my mind is just crazy, and out of it as i start thinking cruel and violent thoughts. Wishing i really was dead is probably not the best to think. But its what had occurred to me yesterday. What i had told you. What maybe you couldn't believe? Crazy? Yes just maybe. But doesn't that occur for everyone at one point? Am i dead inside my mind to think like that? Keeping thoughts, pain, and hurt inside as i watch it tear me apart, piece by piece falling to the ground, leaving it to be left. Part of me gone? Part of me sick and ill?
Part of me wasted? Crap hits the fan as it flies at me. Taking it all in, believing the lies of being nothing, alone, betrayed, not of value. Trying to love myself but in the end disliking myself instead. Not able to convince myself, i just end up loosing it all in my head. My mind goes a blur, trying to bury my emotions inside. Knowing i need to talk to someone. Ugh.... Knowing I'm broken inside. I can feel it. Pricking at me. And the thoughts drive me to the ground. Pushing at me. Pushing and pushing. Needing myself to force myself back up. Needing someones help, comfort. Talking to me saying you can do this, its going to be alright. But not seeing the picture.this being two weeks and it keeps dragging me on. And I'm getting weaker and weaker in the process, seeing myself fade away and wishing for pain. Searing pain! Wanting pain probably being not the best. Being a total mess. I need to look beyond this. But i keep looking behind, and its killing me!!!!

Unfound

You once made me happy
Now you've destroyed me
Are you happy?
All i feel is hurt
And you could care less
I dont want to live
Depression takes me over
Hate is in my mind
Love hurts
You the one who kissed me
Who said i love you
The one who touched me
Will i ever get that again?
How do you think that makes feel?
I wanted more of that
And now you let me down
Sure you say you want to work on being friends
Right now, I'm torn apart
Right now, I'm mad at you
Right now, I'm hurt
Right now, i need comfort
You used to be the person i could talk to
Now i have no body
Thanks a lot for breaking my heart
You sure know how to do that
But i still want to be with you
And i will win you back
Just you watch me
And keep that promise
Cause you aint getting your precious ring back