Kindled

Night falls and i begin to get tired. As i sit here next to the fire thinking of you. Feeling half alive and half dead. Going over in my head what i had said to you last night. My words not at their best and my hope drying thin. Thinking it would be better that way, for me. But maybe my mind is just crazy, and out of it as i start thinking cruel and violent thoughts. Wishing i really was dead is probably not the best to think. But its what had occurred to me yesterday. What i had told you. What maybe you couldn't believe? Crazy? Yes just maybe. But doesn't that occur for everyone at one point? Am i dead inside my mind to think like that? Keeping thoughts, pain, and hurt inside as i watch it tear me apart, piece by piece falling to the ground, leaving it to be left. Part of me gone? Part of me sick and ill?
Part of me wasted? Crap hits the fan as it flies at me. Taking it all in, believing the lies of being nothing, alone, betrayed, not of value. Trying to love myself but in the end disliking myself instead. Not able to convince myself, i just end up loosing it all in my head. My mind goes a blur, trying to bury my emotions inside. Knowing i need to talk to someone. Ugh.... Knowing I'm broken inside. I can feel it. Pricking at me. And the thoughts drive me to the ground. Pushing at me. Pushing and pushing. Needing myself to force myself back up. Needing someones help, comfort. Talking to me saying you can do this, its going to be alright. But not seeing the picture.this being two weeks and it keeps dragging me on. And I'm getting weaker and weaker in the process, seeing myself fade away and wishing for pain. Searing pain! Wanting pain probably being not the best. Being a total mess. I need to look beyond this. But i keep looking behind, and its killing me!!!!