Love; loss

 I could tell my mind was leading me down to a dark spot and I wanted to stay there.

It was a dark esccense. It was familiar and it wanted me to stay. I was trying to escape but I kept being pulled in. I was comfortable. It wasn't enjoyable. It was torture at best. But I was taking in every lie that it could feed me.

I was desperate to believe. I was enthralled. I was a deadbeat. I was craving death. I was willing to to know what it felt like to be dead. I was willing to go through with it. I was willing to throw my whole life away and everything I had worked for. I was willing to leave my husband and children. 

I was willing to DIE... my thoughts has consumed me over the death of my two unborn children. Who were gone too soon. Never to hold them in my arms. Never to see them grow up and love them when they are infants. Never to see their first steps or their first laugh. Never to watch them pursue their dreams and live up to their potential. 

Never to see them with their first love. No. Nothing. All of it taken away from me all too soon. I am just washed up and dried out. I am the writer of my own soap opera. I am the drought. 

I don't heal with this. Idk if I ever will. I live with the pain and I continue to mourn my babies. I live day in and day out with it. I disintegrate slowly. I live without but I love forever. 

Restless

I could feel my mind screaming at me. The blood rushing through my head. I wasn't gonna win tonight or ever. I began sinking into my inner shell, my eyes tearing. My mind innevitly not there. I began throwing objects in sight, hearing as they crashed through the wall. My mouth opened to yell, and swear, while sweat dripped down my back.
I could taste my mouth getting dry, my voice strained and weak. My subconscious losing my vivid picture. Black and white turning to blurry images. My fear rising in flames, my body shaking. It felt as if I was falling off a cliff.

The Long Haul

Withering on life's end

the long and withering drought

the road is so long

and the haul is heavy

my legs are aching

and I want to give up

The journey is long

and I am breaking

I know now I cant turn back

but I want to

just let me go back

let me live again

let me breathe

I don't want to hide

in the darkness anymore

but its all I see

the broken eyes

the hurting soul

I cry out

but you cant be heard

silence is seen

and loneliness abides

one screams in outrage

to break the other

to dismantle

the other

is simply losing their mind

and is not brought back

they have seen the worst

and they feel it too

its buried inside them

it wants to come out

they want to break free

they want love

they want freedom

they want joy

they want someone to care

find me in a cave

bring me out

set me free

 



iN CONSISTANT

Im a person who doesn't like a lot of change unless its a good change. But recently or since last year Ive seen myself going through change, change religiously, change in mood, change in what I think, what I believe. I used to have some hope in my life and I don't see any no more. I'd rather sleep the rest of my life living in these random dreams I get that make no sense at all. Its nice there, theres no pain, no job, no here, no there. There is just dreams. The poem I had written yesterday describes what I think now, and describes petty much how I am inside. And I myself cant stand myself. Its a fucking raging war people. And we can all say that we don't love ourselves, unless you have LEARNED to love yourself fully. But enough about my rambling, here is another poem


A sad tale
It's hard to tell
the numbers high
the wanting low
too fat, too ugly
so sad ; depressed
low self esteem
No one to scream
no search to find
a lost for words
and for mind
Wounded and sore
the bruises show
black and blue
Mark the day of doom
shriveled in
How could it be?
How could one be so sad?
Its been hurt
Its been stumbled
Its been numb
And then "it" disappeared
It lost it self
no longer did it see
no longer was it living
no longer was moving
no longer was it breathing
It was finally demolished
by the destructive thoughts
That had pondered the mind
For so long
It no longer walked the earth
Or told its tales
It was now out of sight
Whisped away by the dark
Longingly flighted
By the outward voices

New Poem

Sorry I haven't posted on here in a long time, Life gets crazy, Things happen and you begin to discontinue doing things or just putting them off for awhile, while you try to figure shit out. Im going to start posting more of my poems I have written on here. I have quite a few poems I have written but have never posted them on here yet till now. The problem is I had written these poems all on my phone, so It might take awhile to get them on here. But here is my most recent one I wrote. I think I should really get into poetry contests and such.  


Alone I am
Hiding in the bottom
Controlled by the voices
don't know where to go
Or what to do
I sit away from everyone
Curled up
And drowning
my thoughts kill
I can not take it
I feel like I'm drowning
How can this be?
Its so heavy
I give out
I'm not sure I can see
For my mind is blurred
And my heart is lost
Drunk in the thought
Of drugs and alcohol
Sex, take it all In
Saying this will help
This will get me through
I turn to
Music with vile words
Not giving a shit
Not living inside
This is my high
This is my kingdom come
This is now my life
My heart is cold
My mouth screams
The darkness abides
And the fire
Burns inside
Raging for violence
and shrieks so loud
This is the change you see
This is me now
That other girl
That you used to see
She doesn't exist
Anymore..
She's gone... forever...

Happiness matters. You matter to me

I think you deserve someone better than me to love you. Its so hard for me to say that. I have imagined my life with you and i think i would be really happy with you. I can see us having good times together, enjoying one another. Smiles on our faces. But then i think maybe someone out there is better than me for you. I dont like the thought of it, but its occurred to me. Im not good enough, maybe. You mean a lot to me as a best friend and i want you to be happy. As i said the first sentence above the other night, i cried. I know we dont know our futures, but what i do know is that i truly love you. If even you do annoy me sometimes, or make a mistake and i get mad, that will not stop
Me from loving you. You are an amazing person! You are smart, creative, lovable, funny, silly, random, and you have a good heart and fun personality. And i just love your smile. (: i want you to be happy. I dont like to see you sad, or upset, or mad. Seeing you happy is what i want to see on you everyday. I want you to be with someone who makes you happy. Do i make you happy? I hope i do. But if not then someone out there will do a better job than i ever could... One things for sure is you make me happy (: . And my heart belongs to you, no other man. So just know that. I think about you everyday and long to be with you. Cause the truth will always be that I LOVE YOU <3

You

As i lay here imagining with this person in my mind, it feels nice, but when i wake up im alone. And your not here, your in my mind. Sometimes i wonder if i should put away everything. The cards, the gifts, and hide them away. The cardss always sit on my night stand. The necklace on my dresser, the ring on my finger. The memories in my mind. The face in my eyes. The love in my heart. The picture on my book shelf. Everything staring at me, flooding my mind. Wishing, hoping, that was now. Even now i think of is together, raising kids, having a family. I want that, with you only. I would love to see what our kids would look like. I would love to be with you for the rest of my life. To marry you, to be with you. You to hold me in your arms, to kiss me, to love me. To be wanted. No matter what, i cant seem to let you go. Your too dear to me. Because i know in my heart, i love you. And i want it all back.