Love; loss

 I could tell my mind was leading me down to a dark spot and I wanted to stay there.

It was a dark esccense. It was familiar and it wanted me to stay. I was trying to escape but I kept being pulled in. I was comfortable. It wasn't enjoyable. It was torture at best. But I was taking in every lie that it could feed me.

I was desperate to believe. I was enthralled. I was a deadbeat. I was craving death. I was willing to to know what it felt like to be dead. I was willing to go through with it. I was willing to throw my whole life away and everything I had worked for. I was willing to leave my husband and children. 

I was willing to DIE... my thoughts has consumed me over the death of my two unborn children. Who were gone too soon. Never to hold them in my arms. Never to see them grow up and love them when they are infants. Never to see their first steps or their first laugh. Never to watch them pursue their dreams and live up to their potential. 

Never to see them with their first love. No. Nothing. All of it taken away from me all too soon. I am just washed up and dried out. I am the writer of my own soap opera. I am the drought. 

I don't heal with this. Idk if I ever will. I live with the pain and I continue to mourn my babies. I live day in and day out with it. I disintegrate slowly. I live without but I love forever.