You

As i lay here imagining with this person in my mind, it feels nice, but when i wake up im alone. And your not here, your in my mind. Sometimes i wonder if i should put away everything. The cards, the gifts, and hide them away. The cardss always sit on my night stand. The necklace on my dresser, the ring on my finger. The memories in my mind. The face in my eyes. The love in my heart. The picture on my book shelf. Everything staring at me, flooding my mind. Wishing, hoping, that was now. Even now i think of is together, raising kids, having a family. I want that, with you only. I would love to see what our kids would look like. I would love to be with you for the rest of my life. To marry you, to be with you. You to hold me in your arms, to kiss me, to love me. To be wanted. No matter what, i cant seem to let you go. Your too dear to me. Because i know in my heart, i love you. And i want it all back.

Locked in Dreamworld

What if your life could start over the day you the met that person? What if you could change things? What if you could rearrange the story? What if you could do stuff differently then you had done? Would it make you happier? I was thinking about what if you could go back, making things happen. Ever thought about it? I will tell you a story.

One day there was a girl who lived in Montana and a boy who lived there too. Both were college students who attended mount College, both taking different courses. Now they didn't notice each other until that one day when they met in the hall way. Katniss was rushing in the halls going to her class when she bumped in to this man by accident. Leaving all her books to fall to the ground. Right away she starts to pick up her stuff when the man leans down to help her. Katniss says "no you don't have to do that, its my fault i i wasn't watching where i was going." The man goes " no its fine, I'm Gale by the way. Katniss replies " hi, I'm Katniss, nice to meet you Gale." He smiles, "Well i better go, but how about lunch, after class?" She says "oh sure why not!!" He says "say about 2?" She smiles, "yes 2 sounds good, see you then." Gale starts walking away, as Katniss stares at him from a distance. She had seen him before but was to shy to say hello. He was the most handsome man you could have seen, his hair was kept perfect, and his arms strong, he liked tattoos and had a few. She had always admired his smile and his hands, and all she ever wanted to to do was kiss those lips, and hold his hand. See that smile. Could this be fate? Accidentally running into him. There was no doubt she didn't believe it. Then she got up and headed to class, thinking about Gale, and lunch at 2. Then came going to his dorm, he had decided to make lunch for her, himself. It was simple but good. Laid on her plate was a grilled cheese sandwich with a tomato soup. Both sat down on his bed, and ate and talked about random things, future, and lots more. After that they started to meet everyday, always his dorm. Katniss was beginning to like him, and seeing him everyday made her happy. he always seemed to know what to say, and made her laugh. Until one day, when she didnt expect it, it happened. They were both sitting down, when he leaned his head in and placed his lips on hers, and started kissing her. A rush runs through her body, and she endures it. Feeling him against her, his hands on hers. Everything in motion. Everything just perfect. For a moment everything in front of her becomes a blur. Freezing her in that moment.

Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day! Spent the rest of the day with my best friend Gracie. Ended up at the Dollar Tree first, got my mom a Valentine present, then went to get a bubble tea, at Kim Auhn, then went to caribou coffee so Gracie could get her famous Vanilla cooler. Ended up being a great night, even tho i wish i could have seen a special someone today. I would have given him a Valentines card, and seen that cute face i always love to see. But i hope i can see him soon, real soon. Hehe. It would be so wonderful!! But anyways happy Valentines to you all. I hope your heart was filled with lots of love today.

Myself

I guess you could say im more of an introverted person. How i seem to keep to myself, and stuff feelings at times. My Grandma says im more like her. She says i used to be more outgoing when i was younger, and my dad says i used to be the spunkiest kid of my sisters. He says that he ruined me. But i really cant say. I know i avoid conflict in my family, because truth is theres too much of that in my household. Theres my sisters fighting and then my parents arguing and then theres me who avoids it. My mom says i should be the peacekeeper for my sisters but i cant stop them. They just keep fighting. But its true, i do love to be alone in my room, just thinking to myself, reading and writing. Im not one to talk to my sisters much about how i feel, i dont know, i just dont do that. And then i know im being eaten alive by keeping my feelings inside, I've gotta learn mot to do that. Because its just bad. It gets to you and you feel like your going to explode. Physically and emotionally. Im an emotional person. I have break downs, some days are better than others. And i think too much. But i guess that sums that up.

Kindled

Night falls and i begin to get tired. As i sit here next to the fire thinking of you. Feeling half alive and half dead. Going over in my head what i had said to you last night. My words not at their best and my hope drying thin. Thinking it would be better that way, for me. But maybe my mind is just crazy, and out of it as i start thinking cruel and violent thoughts. Wishing i really was dead is probably not the best to think. But its what had occurred to me yesterday. What i had told you. What maybe you couldn't believe? Crazy? Yes just maybe. But doesn't that occur for everyone at one point? Am i dead inside my mind to think like that? Keeping thoughts, pain, and hurt inside as i watch it tear me apart, piece by piece falling to the ground, leaving it to be left. Part of me gone? Part of me sick and ill?
Part of me wasted? Crap hits the fan as it flies at me. Taking it all in, believing the lies of being nothing, alone, betrayed, not of value. Trying to love myself but in the end disliking myself instead. Not able to convince myself, i just end up loosing it all in my head. My mind goes a blur, trying to bury my emotions inside. Knowing i need to talk to someone. Ugh.... Knowing I'm broken inside. I can feel it. Pricking at me. And the thoughts drive me to the ground. Pushing at me. Pushing and pushing. Needing myself to force myself back up. Needing someones help, comfort. Talking to me saying you can do this, its going to be alright. But not seeing the picture.this being two weeks and it keeps dragging me on. And I'm getting weaker and weaker in the process, seeing myself fade away and wishing for pain. Searing pain! Wanting pain probably being not the best. Being a total mess. I need to look beyond this. But i keep looking behind, and its killing me!!!!

Unfound

You once made me happy
Now you've destroyed me
Are you happy?
All i feel is hurt
And you could care less
I dont want to live
Depression takes me over
Hate is in my mind
Love hurts
You the one who kissed me
Who said i love you
The one who touched me
Will i ever get that again?
How do you think that makes feel?
I wanted more of that
And now you let me down
Sure you say you want to work on being friends
Right now, I'm torn apart
Right now, I'm mad at you
Right now, I'm hurt
Right now, i need comfort
You used to be the person i could talk to
Now i have no body
Thanks a lot for breaking my heart
You sure know how to do that
But i still want to be with you
And i will win you back
Just you watch me
And keep that promise
Cause you aint getting your precious ring back

Crazy thing called love

As i wait
I cannot break
Years go by
Time flys
Days pass
Thoughts fade
Love lasts
It burns in you
Hearing their lovely voice
Seeing their wonderful smile
Hearing the beat of their heart against yours
Kissing in the rain
Laughing together at nothing
Silence being favored
Just being with them, wonderful
Looking into each others eyes in the moonlight
Running your hands over them
Holding your hand in his
Standing together forever
Whispering i love you in each ones ear
Remembering each and every savored moment together
Slow kissing savoring each ones lips on each others
Feeling in awe of the moment of being with them
Saying i do
Living till death together
In each others arms
Looking at the sunset together
Saying ill always love you
Caring for each other with arms wide open
Trusting each other through it all
Living at life's peak
Saying ill always be there for you, no matter what
Loving each other forever
Leaning on each other
Having fun and enjoying each and every moment
Being thankful for that very special person that brought so much joy
Thinking that they are so amazing
And in the end bringing memories to your mind of happiness, love, kindness, trust, romance, and that person who you shared your life with
Never forgetting how much they meant to you
And never forgetting saying
I LOVE YOU
BECAUSE EVERY WORD YOU SAID, YOU MEANT WITH ALL YOUR HEART. NEVER REGRETTING MEETING THEM OR WHAT YOU SAID. BECAUSE TO YOU THEY WERE THE WORLD, AND THEY WERE YOURS. AND YOUR LOVE FOR THEM WAS SO UNEXPLAINABLE, THAT IT STAYED WITH YOU FOREVER.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!