Kindled

Night falls and i begin to get tired. As i sit here next to the fire thinking of you. Feeling half alive and half dead. Going over in my head what i had said to you last night. My words not at their best and my hope drying thin. Thinking it would be better that way, for me. But maybe my mind is just crazy, and out of it as i start thinking cruel and violent thoughts. Wishing i really was dead is probably not the best to think. But its what had occurred to me yesterday. What i had told you. What maybe you couldn't believe? Crazy? Yes just maybe. But doesn't that occur for everyone at one point? Am i dead inside my mind to think like that? Keeping thoughts, pain, and hurt inside as i watch it tear me apart, piece by piece falling to the ground, leaving it to be left. Part of me gone? Part of me sick and ill?
Part of me wasted? Crap hits the fan as it flies at me. Taking it all in, believing the lies of being nothing, alone, betrayed, not of value. Trying to love myself but in the end disliking myself instead. Not able to convince myself, i just end up loosing it all in my head. My mind goes a blur, trying to bury my emotions inside. Knowing i need to talk to someone. Ugh.... Knowing I'm broken inside. I can feel it. Pricking at me. And the thoughts drive me to the ground. Pushing at me. Pushing and pushing. Needing myself to force myself back up. Needing someones help, comfort. Talking to me saying you can do this, its going to be alright. But not seeing the picture.this being two weeks and it keeps dragging me on. And I'm getting weaker and weaker in the process, seeing myself fade away and wishing for pain. Searing pain! Wanting pain probably being not the best. Being a total mess. I need to look beyond this. But i keep looking behind, and its killing me!!!!

Unfound

You once made me happy
Now you've destroyed me
Are you happy?
All i feel is hurt
And you could care less
I dont want to live
Depression takes me over
Hate is in my mind
Love hurts
You the one who kissed me
Who said i love you
The one who touched me
Will i ever get that again?
How do you think that makes feel?
I wanted more of that
And now you let me down
Sure you say you want to work on being friends
Right now, I'm torn apart
Right now, I'm mad at you
Right now, I'm hurt
Right now, i need comfort
You used to be the person i could talk to
Now i have no body
Thanks a lot for breaking my heart
You sure know how to do that
But i still want to be with you
And i will win you back
Just you watch me
And keep that promise
Cause you aint getting your precious ring back

Crazy thing called love

As i wait
I cannot break
Years go by
Time flys
Days pass
Thoughts fade
Love lasts
It burns in you
Hearing their lovely voice
Seeing their wonderful smile
Hearing the beat of their heart against yours
Kissing in the rain
Laughing together at nothing
Silence being favored
Just being with them, wonderful
Looking into each others eyes in the moonlight
Running your hands over them
Holding your hand in his
Standing together forever
Whispering i love you in each ones ear
Remembering each and every savored moment together
Slow kissing savoring each ones lips on each others
Feeling in awe of the moment of being with them
Saying i do
Living till death together
In each others arms
Looking at the sunset together
Saying ill always love you
Caring for each other with arms wide open
Trusting each other through it all
Living at life's peak
Saying ill always be there for you, no matter what
Loving each other forever
Leaning on each other
Having fun and enjoying each and every moment
Being thankful for that very special person that brought so much joy
Thinking that they are so amazing
And in the end bringing memories to your mind of happiness, love, kindness, trust, romance, and that person who you shared your life with
Never forgetting how much they meant to you
And never forgetting saying
I LOVE YOU
BECAUSE EVERY WORD YOU SAID, YOU MEANT WITH ALL YOUR HEART. NEVER REGRETTING MEETING THEM OR WHAT YOU SAID. BECAUSE TO YOU THEY WERE THE WORLD, AND THEY WERE YOURS. AND YOUR LOVE FOR THEM WAS SO UNEXPLAINABLE, THAT IT STAYED WITH YOU FOREVER.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!

Confessions?

1. Im in love (;
2. I get easily depressed
3. Im very sensitive
4. Emotional? Yes
5. I love sleep
6. I am very lazy
7. I love the country side
8. Im sick of living with my family
9. I love my rabbit Oreo
10. I can easily get distracted
11. Writing is my passion
12. I love purple -everything!
13. I dye my hair red
14. I don't care what people think of me
15. Im closer to my Grandma Olson then my Grandparents on my moms side
16. I love when it rains!
17. I love music(Christian, secular, country, metal, korean)
18. I've never been kissed
19. I don't have my permit yet
20. Im crazzzzyyy!
21. I love bread(even tho it has carbs)
22. Favorite candy- milky ways
23. I swear sometimes(mostly when im mad)
24. Favorite shows: spongebob
Squarepants, the neighbors, bones, last man standing, Malibu country, wizards of Waverley place, good luck charlie.
25. Favorite movie: Inception
26. Fav fast place- McDonalds
27. I get lost inside my mind
28. Fav Actors: Zac Efron, Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Reese Witherspoon, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Lopez
29. Addictions: texting, fb, internet, chocolate?
30. Person i miss A Lot -William Justison
31. Fav pop: mountain dew
32. Im obsessed with rings
33. Ate a whole box of cosmic brownies and got sick
34. Loves to laugh with my sisters
35. Often feels lonely
36. Future plans so far? Get married, have kids
37. School-homeschooled
38. Loves to read romantic books, thrillers
39. Loves photography
40. Loves to swing on the swings
41. Thought when i was younger that me and Kayla were going to own a pancake restaurant in Hawaii
42. Fav food: pancakes
43. Name id like to name one of my kids - Electra
44. Likes to be alone, all by myself in my room at times
45. Has been hurt many times
46. Fear of ending up alone, single
47. Has cried too much to know
48. Hehe. I love you
49. I have a sexy mind (;
50. Can give great messages

Extent

Your number stares at me
Blank in the face
Deciding whether or not to call
And wondering what your doing
I freeze in dismay
Thinking you would have called me today
Just maybe you would have gone crazy and had to call
Why do i always have to be the one to do it?
Am i alone in this?
I can only cry inside myself
Did i do something?
I stare at the phone
And look around
Where are you hunny?
Thoughts flood my mind
This is soo hard!!!
Missing you a lot
And you always on my mind
Going days without you is terrible
Staring at the pictures of you i miss you more
Reading text messages and thinking of you
When the other day ago, i really wanted those pics you were sending, only to get upset when they took too long, and i didn't get them in time.
Very maddening.
Finding myself very lonely, i cry
I cant help it
I need you
I need your soothing voice
Your touching words
Just needing your sweet self
Tell me ill be ok
Tell me you love me
Tell me you'll always be there, even when your not
I miss you and im half dead
I love you, and i always will
I'll stay with you forever my love
Times like these are hard, and im feeling depressed.
I need comfort
Hold me baby
I need love
Love me so
I......just.......need.....YOU!

Tied down

Ugh.. Feeling depressed. Not much i can do about it. Life goes on unfortunately. It just seems to be that way. Oh how much i just want to cry, as things race through my mind. Going past me, feeling blind. Thoughts come up, what ifs. The only thing i do know is that i love you. And keep you close in my heart, nothing will change that. But this feeling that i feel is a let down for me. And i know that it tears me apart. Bit by bit. Ugh.... Is all i manage to say. As my heart breaks. And i can feel myself fall. No no no! I say, but I'm too drawn down. My mind is too hooked on the low down ground. And all i see is white. As i find myself alone. Displeasing myself in pain. Hold on i say, but what am i kidding myself. The look of my fate is finally in its place. Staring at me wide eye in the face. Haha i got you now it says!!

I wrote this when i was depressed, as you can see. But decided to post it anyways.

Thoughts/feelings

Sometimes i feel like i could look into your eyes and see Mary. Sometimes i think you think about her a lot at times.
These thoughts wonder through my mind. Or you could into mine and think Mary, or you wish i was Mary. But im not. In my mind i know you still love her. And tho it bothers me, theres nothing i can do about that. I know that a piece of your heart still belongs to her. The time i told you that she was engaged you said you were sad about it. I felt broken. I didn't know what to say to you but oh. And i know that i don't know how that feels so its like i don't have any right to say. But it doesn't mean that i don't think about it at times. I know you love me, i definitely know. But i also i know you love both of us. And its the only thing that bothers me. And maybe i should have told you how i felt when you had said that to me. And maybe you didn't mean it like that but thats how your words were coming out. And in my heart i love you oh sooo much! You have no idea, how i have so much feelings for you! I know you told me you will get over her someday, so I'm trusting you that, it will happen. And i know I'm not like Mary, i will never be. I am only who i am. And just maybe that haunts me, as sometimes it is carried on my mind. But i will trust you because i love you, and you are my best friend and more! And i am so blessed to have met you. To have gotten to know you, and to have you in my life! If you are reading this just know that i do think about this sometimes, and wonder about it. I still feel like you are somewhat still attached to her. Because when you do talk about her, i can tell by your feelings you have. Just thought id say this out there. But don't get worried. I just thought you should know.