iN CONSISTANT

Im a person who doesn't like a lot of change unless its a good change. But recently or since last year Ive seen myself going through change, change religiously, change in mood, change in what I think, what I believe. I used to have some hope in my life and I don't see any no more. I'd rather sleep the rest of my life living in these random dreams I get that make no sense at all. Its nice there, theres no pain, no job, no here, no there. There is just dreams. The poem I had written yesterday describes what I think now, and describes petty much how I am inside. And I myself cant stand myself. Its a fucking raging war people. And we can all say that we don't love ourselves, unless you have LEARNED to love yourself fully. But enough about my rambling, here is another poem


A sad tale
It's hard to tell
the numbers high
the wanting low
too fat, too ugly
so sad ; depressed
low self esteem
No one to scream
no search to find
a lost for words
and for mind
Wounded and sore
the bruises show
black and blue
Mark the day of doom
shriveled in
How could it be?
How could one be so sad?
Its been hurt
Its been stumbled
Its been numb
And then "it" disappeared
It lost it self
no longer did it see
no longer was it living
no longer was moving
no longer was it breathing
It was finally demolished
by the destructive thoughts
That had pondered the mind
For so long
It no longer walked the earth
Or told its tales
It was now out of sight
Whisped away by the dark
Longingly flighted
By the outward voices

New Poem

Sorry I haven't posted on here in a long time, Life gets crazy, Things happen and you begin to discontinue doing things or just putting them off for awhile, while you try to figure shit out. Im going to start posting more of my poems I have written on here. I have quite a few poems I have written but have never posted them on here yet till now. The problem is I had written these poems all on my phone, so It might take awhile to get them on here. But here is my most recent one I wrote. I think I should really get into poetry contests and such.  


Alone I am
Hiding in the bottom
Controlled by the voices
don't know where to go
Or what to do
I sit away from everyone
Curled up
And drowning
my thoughts kill
I can not take it
I feel like I'm drowning
How can this be?
Its so heavy
I give out
I'm not sure I can see
For my mind is blurred
And my heart is lost
Drunk in the thought
Of drugs and alcohol
Sex, take it all In
Saying this will help
This will get me through
I turn to
Music with vile words
Not giving a shit
Not living inside
This is my high
This is my kingdom come
This is now my life
My heart is cold
My mouth screams
The darkness abides
And the fire
Burns inside
Raging for violence
and shrieks so loud
This is the change you see
This is me now
That other girl
That you used to see
She doesn't exist
Anymore..
She's gone... forever...

Happiness matters. You matter to me

I think you deserve someone better than me to love you. Its so hard for me to say that. I have imagined my life with you and i think i would be really happy with you. I can see us having good times together, enjoying one another. Smiles on our faces. But then i think maybe someone out there is better than me for you. I dont like the thought of it, but its occurred to me. Im not good enough, maybe. You mean a lot to me as a best friend and i want you to be happy. As i said the first sentence above the other night, i cried. I know we dont know our futures, but what i do know is that i truly love you. If even you do annoy me sometimes, or make a mistake and i get mad, that will not stop
Me from loving you. You are an amazing person! You are smart, creative, lovable, funny, silly, random, and you have a good heart and fun personality. And i just love your smile. (: i want you to be happy. I dont like to see you sad, or upset, or mad. Seeing you happy is what i want to see on you everyday. I want you to be with someone who makes you happy. Do i make you happy? I hope i do. But if not then someone out there will do a better job than i ever could... One things for sure is you make me happy (: . And my heart belongs to you, no other man. So just know that. I think about you everyday and long to be with you. Cause the truth will always be that I LOVE YOU <3

You

As i lay here imagining with this person in my mind, it feels nice, but when i wake up im alone. And your not here, your in my mind. Sometimes i wonder if i should put away everything. The cards, the gifts, and hide them away. The cardss always sit on my night stand. The necklace on my dresser, the ring on my finger. The memories in my mind. The face in my eyes. The love in my heart. The picture on my book shelf. Everything staring at me, flooding my mind. Wishing, hoping, that was now. Even now i think of is together, raising kids, having a family. I want that, with you only. I would love to see what our kids would look like. I would love to be with you for the rest of my life. To marry you, to be with you. You to hold me in your arms, to kiss me, to love me. To be wanted. No matter what, i cant seem to let you go. Your too dear to me. Because i know in my heart, i love you. And i want it all back.

Locked in Dreamworld

What if your life could start over the day you the met that person? What if you could change things? What if you could rearrange the story? What if you could do stuff differently then you had done? Would it make you happier? I was thinking about what if you could go back, making things happen. Ever thought about it? I will tell you a story.

One day there was a girl who lived in Montana and a boy who lived there too. Both were college students who attended mount College, both taking different courses. Now they didn't notice each other until that one day when they met in the hall way. Katniss was rushing in the halls going to her class when she bumped in to this man by accident. Leaving all her books to fall to the ground. Right away she starts to pick up her stuff when the man leans down to help her. Katniss says "no you don't have to do that, its my fault i i wasn't watching where i was going." The man goes " no its fine, I'm Gale by the way. Katniss replies " hi, I'm Katniss, nice to meet you Gale." He smiles, "Well i better go, but how about lunch, after class?" She says "oh sure why not!!" He says "say about 2?" She smiles, "yes 2 sounds good, see you then." Gale starts walking away, as Katniss stares at him from a distance. She had seen him before but was to shy to say hello. He was the most handsome man you could have seen, his hair was kept perfect, and his arms strong, he liked tattoos and had a few. She had always admired his smile and his hands, and all she ever wanted to to do was kiss those lips, and hold his hand. See that smile. Could this be fate? Accidentally running into him. There was no doubt she didn't believe it. Then she got up and headed to class, thinking about Gale, and lunch at 2. Then came going to his dorm, he had decided to make lunch for her, himself. It was simple but good. Laid on her plate was a grilled cheese sandwich with a tomato soup. Both sat down on his bed, and ate and talked about random things, future, and lots more. After that they started to meet everyday, always his dorm. Katniss was beginning to like him, and seeing him everyday made her happy. he always seemed to know what to say, and made her laugh. Until one day, when she didnt expect it, it happened. They were both sitting down, when he leaned his head in and placed his lips on hers, and started kissing her. A rush runs through her body, and she endures it. Feeling him against her, his hands on hers. Everything in motion. Everything just perfect. For a moment everything in front of her becomes a blur. Freezing her in that moment.

Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day! Spent the rest of the day with my best friend Gracie. Ended up at the Dollar Tree first, got my mom a Valentine present, then went to get a bubble tea, at Kim Auhn, then went to caribou coffee so Gracie could get her famous Vanilla cooler. Ended up being a great night, even tho i wish i could have seen a special someone today. I would have given him a Valentines card, and seen that cute face i always love to see. But i hope i can see him soon, real soon. Hehe. It would be so wonderful!! But anyways happy Valentines to you all. I hope your heart was filled with lots of love today.

Myself

I guess you could say im more of an introverted person. How i seem to keep to myself, and stuff feelings at times. My Grandma says im more like her. She says i used to be more outgoing when i was younger, and my dad says i used to be the spunkiest kid of my sisters. He says that he ruined me. But i really cant say. I know i avoid conflict in my family, because truth is theres too much of that in my household. Theres my sisters fighting and then my parents arguing and then theres me who avoids it. My mom says i should be the peacekeeper for my sisters but i cant stop them. They just keep fighting. But its true, i do love to be alone in my room, just thinking to myself, reading and writing. Im not one to talk to my sisters much about how i feel, i dont know, i just dont do that. And then i know im being eaten alive by keeping my feelings inside, I've gotta learn mot to do that. Because its just bad. It gets to you and you feel like your going to explode. Physically and emotionally. Im an emotional person. I have break downs, some days are better than others. And i think too much. But i guess that sums that up.