~ Lefty ~

Cried about you last night or the other night before. Memories flooded my mind about you on your last days of life. You laying on me, while you were in pain. Petting you, loving you. Crying.

And then when you died, blaming myself for your death. Saying it was all my fault. Saying it could have been avoided. Wishing to turn back, rewind, fix it. Then going into depression for 2 weeks or more. Those being the hardest weeks with out you. Then trying to help myself, dedicating a journal to you. So I could write to you about my days. Now that may seem silly, but to me if meant something.

Then I wrote to my cousin Sarah about it. And she wrote back And said she broke into tears reading my letter. But this was last year. It has been a year avd a half since you've been gone. I can't believe it. But I still think about you... And ya once in awhile I do still break down and cry. It's tough not too.

It seems to be that both animals/people have affect on us when they die. And yes we will always have memories of them. The happy times together and the hard times of their life drawing to an end. And sometimes we try not to think about them or we don't want people to bring it up, because we try not to talk about them.

And the healing process can be long sometimes, trying to get over it, trying to heal the wounds.
Depends on who you are. It's different for every person.

But ya just thought I'd say this. Miss you Lefty!

Gun Hold

Alone I sit,
Alone I wait,
Alone alone alone...
Crying, because there is no else I can do
No one I can see, no one I can talk.
Shadowed by myself in cave I cannot come
A dark hole I am buried in
A life I wish not to lead
A rose that can be so beautiful, but the stem that can be so thorn

Alone I sit, as the thoughts bombard me...
Over and over again..
Cramming me down, and taking every word
Taken by the overthrow of it all, it stays with me
Every night growing weaker and weaker
As I try to stay strong avd withhold it all
As knives are poking me every which way, and blood is rushing out

Here and there I scream
My eyes start to drain and I am no
Longer able to keep myself up

I fall and hit the pavement
There I lose control
I use my last breath to say help
But no ones in sight...

No one never was
It was only my illusion
That I had seen

And it will forever hold the lost key..
The key of the unfortunate

Despair?

The feeling overwhelms me
And lost at what it is.
I sit in dismay....
Just wanting to cry
For no apparent reason?
Trying not to cry...

And listening to all the sad songs
Not knowing how it happened...
I think...
I can't figure it out.
Was it buried feelings deep down?
Was it something non existent?
Was it deeper then I will find out?

The thoughts and questions linger...
And no answers seem to come.....
I think I am truly lost...
Out of the uncertain and in despair
For something I don't even figure..
Have I gone under?
How long will it last?

Deep deep down.. There is no clue.
I'm lost... Lost forever?
I cry inside myself.
And hide in the mysteries...
Of life's untouchables.

Inovality

In time im excited
And scared
It's something new
Something I'll have never experienced
And I'm here and I'm there
I'm upset and I'm mad
I'm happy, then I'm sad

Yelling at you.
Then tears seem to fall.
Realizing the pain
Then the fall
Then coming back to it all
Wrapping it up, cursing in the air.
Hitting the pavement.
Breaking my fall.

Forgiving and trying to forget
Slipping my fingers right through
the unseen.
Looking at you right through your eyes
My heart beating...
Calling out the words I cannot speak

Shushing at words I might say
Then realizing you need to hear it
If I don't say it now, you will never understand
The words come out
And then it gets better
Then you realize what you did...
And the message becomes clear

But more than ever you apologize.
With Im sorry....
And for that I love you!
Because I can never say I don't.
For you are the love of my life, and I won't let you go.
You'll stay here with me forever.

Un united

Deep down it is hard to love you, because I know your a player.
You cant just love women you have to love more then one.
And deep down I'm tired of playing this game.
As much as I love you I kinda feel like I have to let you go.
Because I just keep on getting hurt by you.

I'm always worried about being cheated on, and I'm tired of being lied too.
In my mind it's not fair to me.
I knew you couldn't let her go.
And now you tell me that I love you so much, when I know that's not true.
You have issues and they are hard for me to deal with.
I don't want to get my heart broken again, and I feel like you've already done that.

I'm tired of this,and I'm tired of playing this game with you.
I thought I could change you, but I believe I am wrong.
The news only seems to get worse.... And it's hard to bear it.
Leaving you is hard to do, and I don't really like it, but im upset with you.

Death in craped

I am dead now as I stand in the eyes of the forgotten.
Death runs down me through my veins.
Lurking around every Corner.
Searching for the unwanted and the hurting.
Grabbing them by the neck.
Luring them in by the lies, that ruined their life.
A torture chamber that will never leave.
Poisoning you till your death.

Cringing in pain either wanted or unwanted.
Sniping your life and being claimed by someone else.
The things you were told that we're going to save you but brought you death.
The dead mark on your face, that brought you disgrace.

The look of despair in your eyes as you turned clockwise.
The turn of Your body as it lingers in the air.
The smell of your odor, disintegrated.
You fade like the wind, you fade in my memory.
But I can only say the same, for it's me that will go too..
Except that it won't be with you.

Death has taken over me, and I cannot not say no this time.
It seems to be running down my spine.
And I'm no time I'll be gone.
Blood becomes polished now all over my open cuts.
I take my time as I know what's coming.
My breath begins to thin out. And I know that I don't have much time left......

I reach for something I can't see...
It seems odd in the distance, yet it seems so close. It might be my lost soul, it my shattered heart. It might be the odds ands ends of a lost life.

I start to blackout for I know this is the end.
I can't see anything now, for now I know I am losing control.
Death has reached its toll and it's time to let go.
Nothing is seen and nothing is heard.
It's like a deadly whisper and a life unheard.

Now fate has told its tale....

Escaped through the unwinding tunnels of the forgotten air.

You can try to run and hide, but fate will find you there....

In the ruins of your unwanted mind.

Contagious

As I think about it, I can't seem to let you go.
I hold you close to my heart.
I think about just being friends but I would miss too much.
We already seem to have this closeness.
And letting you go would just be too hard.
Even with our complications I still have a yearning to want you.
Knowing that I have never felt this way before, I tend to pull on you more.

Oh our conversations, oh how they are so lovely!
I care about you enough to help you through your problems.
To love on you more, and to experience the feelings.
Oh I love the poems that you write. And your freeness to express.
I guess you could say you lead me on, and I'm guessing I do the same.
But I love it. And don't you too?

More then ever I have given you my heart and spilled out my feelings.
For now it stays..... With you.
But then I start to hear other stuff, and wonder.
Is it true?
Should I stop?
But I keep on going.
Moving, breathing, loving you.
Hanging onto you like like a star in the sky you can't let go.

Am I crazy?
Yes, probably.
Am I in love?
Oh yes!
Am I happy?
Haha, yes.
Can I let you go?
No.
Can you let me go?
I don't know.
Do you love me?
Yes I'm pretty sure.
Can we fix/work out our problems?
We can if we want this.
Is it hard not to text you?
Oh yes!

The questions of the mind. That linger only in time. Oh how they are mine.
Oh how they wade at me.

Only a moment to spare, but it shows how much I care.
The only thing I know is that I love you and you love me.

The spring has shown. So I let it go.
I don't care.

All I know is what I know. The disease is love.

And its contagious.