Twine

Drops of rain
Fall on me
Clouds of gray
Fill the sky
Black covers the ground
Tears fall from my face
Is as if Im falling in
Not able to focus
My mind begins talking crazy
Things start falling out of my hands
I stand out and reach for the door
But realize theres no knob

Found stuck in my own mind
I turn to face the door
Standing alone
I start to tremble
No escape and not able to see past my conscious
I turn back
To the wilderness that is seen in front of me
Nothing but wind and the ground i see
I run to a hidden cave where dark seems to creep
But find shelter
I find myself talking to myself to keep time

Even tho inside i am dying
I run out
Finding myself on the ground
Lying there unmovable
Shaken
But still alive
I reach my hand out
To touch something that isn't there
My hand falls, and i know Im lost
I breathe, but am dry
Then i see the door is no longer there
And i fall back into a dream state

You Are More (:

It made me sad that you worry about that. It brought tears to my eyes. When I know for a fact that you are so much better than that. The past does not make you who you are today. Whatever is in the past is left behind, there is no turning back. You are a amazing person with a sweet and caring heart. A strong faith in God, and a person who is headstrong,funny, silly, creative, there for you, warm hearted, loved by many, sweet, loving , adventureress and so much more!
And loved by me! Your no nobody .
You are a very special person.

You bright up my days with your amazing smile! And your kind hearted words (:
I can tell you anything and everything.
You encourage me, and are always there to listen to what I have to say.
You are so awesome!

So, Remember, who you are today, and don't worry about your past coming back.

P.S. I love you!

Sunken in depth

Lurking in the shadows
I crawl from out under
Rimming the edge I slowly walk
The night is long
And I see nothing
Fog beyond the brim seeps
Like a mist in thin air
From far away but so near
I feel as if my heart is breaking
Or as if I am vain

Hiding from between in and out
Scars are seen on my body
Big open cuts bleed out my inners
Leaving a trail to lurk
My bare feet touching the cold black pavement
Broken glass scattered
My bleeding feet as they touch the glass
Sharp pain surging
Tears rolling down my face

Lips trembling
Body aching
Cold wind blowing
I stand on top of the bridge
Looking down
I hold onto the bar
The waters as cold as ice
Staring at me from below
Taking my hand away from the bar
I balance on the rim of the bridge

Sticking my right leg out
I fall into the water
The cold water grabs me
And I can feel it getting to my flesh
I wrap my hands around my body
Biting down on my lip
I cringe
I start to lose breath as the water
Drags me in
Pulling me down the stream
In my mind I say my last goodbye

This is the end....

Ra ra rack rack rack!

Okay, I think I spend way too much at home. It seems like my sisters are always doing something, and I'm just sitting at home like a hermit. I need to get out, I need to spend time with friends, I need a vacation. I'm way to much of a home body. It seems like I've always been that way. I'm always stuck at home with my parents while my sisters are usually gone. Now I know I must not be the only person in the world who feels like they are always home. I mean... Come on now !
I know there's always school work I could work on, but that's no fun. I need to hang out with friends more. Have them pick me up, and go do something, or just chill at a store or something. Apparently I do not have a lot of social life. I have confined myself to staying home a lot. Therefore I am a hermit. I've had chances to hang out with friends in the past and declined the offer. Now my Osseo friends are seemly very busy and I don't keep in contact with them really. Once in awhile ill text one here or there. But normally I think I've lost them. So then there's my best friends and they can be busy sometimes but normally they are the ones see often. Then there's Isaac and who knows how long I've been trying to hang out with him and he's always busy with school or something going on or with some other friends. I mean sure I am a little busy with school but that's about all I got. Then I'm free like all the time. And sure I would love to see my cousins and my grandma but it's hard finding a weekend that's a long one so making it a longer trip before having to go back to school. It's complications. So there you have it. So I need to find some social life and I need to break the hermit. So with all this chatter you must becoming bored of my ranting. But thanks for listening anyways. But it was just nice to I don't know get out there. So don't free fall, jump out.

And lately I've been having fall outs with my cousin. What I mean by that is we talk then we don't talk for days or weeks at a time. Well we seem to offend one another or say something that shouldn't have been said and then we are pissed at each other. That's happened more than once this year. Ya and I do get tired of dealing with her sometimes, I mean that happens. But all in all I still love her. And yes I might not like how she does things or the way she acts sometimes. But usually we need each others support. So I know we need to just see past each other and just leave it be. Because I tend to get upset at her and will block her from contacting me, because I don't feel like talking to her. So ya it's crazy. But usually we get a long fine. So it's only a matter of time till we get pissed off again. But ya I'm done ranting now. So ill just go.

Counteracted

Scraping the edge I lay
As I feel the prickles of the knife against my skin
I see my wounds and the scars that lay upon my heart
I let them bleed...there is no use in covering up
Thoughts in the mind go insane
And I'm not able to stop it

Thoughts I want to stop
But can't seem to.....
As I say if I cause myself pain what can it hurt?
I knife slides out of my hands... I grab it
Only to find blood dripping on my hands
Marks are shown from the knife
Dents on my hands...
I sit and stare at it
Surprised at what my eyes are seeing
I start to say something... But get lost inside my mind

I get up but can't move
It seems as though I am dreaming
Like this isn't real
I turn to look
But all I see is black
It covers the whole room
The knife has disappeared
The knife cuts now charcoal
I try to move my hands
As the pain surges through them
Like a electric shock
I gasp

In sight of everything
It dawns on me
I can't escape
I see through my mind
I find my secrets
I try to find peace in it all
But find myself at war

Is this right mistaken? Is this mistaken right?

You can be seen by what you feel. But can you feel by what you seen?

Pages, and pages are written. By every thought, by every feeling, by everything that is seen by eye.

Making it visible to eyes of seen.

~ Lefty ~

Cried about you last night or the other night before. Memories flooded my mind about you on your last days of life. You laying on me, while you were in pain. Petting you, loving you. Crying.

And then when you died, blaming myself for your death. Saying it was all my fault. Saying it could have been avoided. Wishing to turn back, rewind, fix it. Then going into depression for 2 weeks or more. Those being the hardest weeks with out you. Then trying to help myself, dedicating a journal to you. So I could write to you about my days. Now that may seem silly, but to me if meant something.

Then I wrote to my cousin Sarah about it. And she wrote back And said she broke into tears reading my letter. But this was last year. It has been a year avd a half since you've been gone. I can't believe it. But I still think about you... And ya once in awhile I do still break down and cry. It's tough not too.

It seems to be that both animals/people have affect on us when they die. And yes we will always have memories of them. The happy times together and the hard times of their life drawing to an end. And sometimes we try not to think about them or we don't want people to bring it up, because we try not to talk about them.

And the healing process can be long sometimes, trying to get over it, trying to heal the wounds.
Depends on who you are. It's different for every person.

But ya just thought I'd say this. Miss you Lefty!

Gun Hold

Alone I sit,
Alone I wait,
Alone alone alone...
Crying, because there is no else I can do
No one I can see, no one I can talk.
Shadowed by myself in cave I cannot come
A dark hole I am buried in
A life I wish not to lead
A rose that can be so beautiful, but the stem that can be so thorn

Alone I sit, as the thoughts bombard me...
Over and over again..
Cramming me down, and taking every word
Taken by the overthrow of it all, it stays with me
Every night growing weaker and weaker
As I try to stay strong avd withhold it all
As knives are poking me every which way, and blood is rushing out

Here and there I scream
My eyes start to drain and I am no
Longer able to keep myself up

I fall and hit the pavement
There I lose control
I use my last breath to say help
But no ones in sight...

No one never was
It was only my illusion
That I had seen

And it will forever hold the lost key..
The key of the unfortunate